The smoke formed indefinite shapes, ascended and blended with the nothingness above. The sky was clearer than it was hours ago. Better, I said.

My feet were dangling, hanging few inches off the ground. The dogs were on duty. My eyes were fixed on the gate while listening to the alarms our guards provided. I keenly stared at the imaginary frame I drew in front of me, wishing for a silhouette to appear.

Few minutes passed and silence took over but the frame remained empty. The gate stood still, closed and locked. There was nobody. There was no you.

I laughed at myself for I was hoping my imagination could do some kind of a magic. It was ridiculous. I didn't know it's possible to miss someone this much.


Truly, the days without you are the longest.
I miss you, Pao.

WHY?

My LJ's being inactive because I can't find something to say. This is WEIRD. I'm not used to this.

I'm supposed to be hypnotized by my bed. This day is weird, it is awesomely tiring. I went out to see my friends' bands play in UP Fine Arts and I fell in love with alcohol again. Or maybe, I simply loved its numbing and amnesiac effects on my system especially when it began to shut down my internal negative vibes processors.


For the last two hours of the event, I was dancing, laughing, and shouting together with my friends in the middle of the ground. It was fun that it felt so absurd. But, who cares? Crazier people exist. I encountered living proofs awhile back-- Paolo's wild version, intoxicated Cyan, Marcus Adoro... The world is truly polluted, isn't it?Now that I am home and just have to accept the offer of the temporary dismissal from my consciousness, I ended up producing little sobs. What is weirder is that I don't know what provokes my tear ducts to be active again. Oh well, fuck it.

I love today. It's been months since I last watched Stomachine's jam. Well, everyone's still awesome and the music's always great. I kind of had an epiphany while I was parked at my favorite corner of Bluberri. Watching these people playing their hearts out made me realized that there are still so many stuff that I wanna do. I guess I'm missing some things because I'm looking too far ahead. So for now, live and love. :)

"Na parang di na tayo bibitaw..." - Prom

It turned out that ALMOST EVERYONE inside the studio loves/loved Sugarfree. So they covered their songs and the people got wild, jumping and banging their heads against the air while singing on top of their lungs.

"Ayoko nang mag-isa..." - Mariposa

Their songs strike my heart. It's like hearing your stories amplified by the stereo. Unfortunately, the last time I saw them live was in Route 196, during one of the Attraction! Reaction!'s gigs. So Ean and I agreed that we'll try to hunt them soon.

"O, kay tagal pa kitang mamahalin..." - Burnout

"O, ngayong gabi, managinip,
Managinip ulit tayo sa sarili nating mundo." - Telepono

-----
Sometimes, it only takes one person to lighten up your day. :)

For the first ten years, gifts made this day of the month remarkable among the other dates. What would you expect? Kids will always be kids, easy to satisfy. And I wish I still am.

Sad to say but the value of my birthday has declined as the years passed by. Most of the time, I'd just appease myself with the thought that it's somewhat nice to have a single day to be remembered by the people you have and had connections with to some extent. But, this day has been extra unhappy compared to the previous years'. I honestly don't know what to respond to people's greetings. I even find it hard to insert smileys on my replies. So I guess, a thank you would suffice. Thank you, guys.

But, the day isn't over yet, is it? I hope things will get better later on. I hope, I don't expect.

"Even chance meetings are the result of karma... That things in life are fated by our previous lives. That even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence."

:)

"I love you, always. Time is nothing."
-Henry DeTamble, Time Traveler's Wife

-----
After reading Time Traveler's Wife and rerunning Honey and Clover, I can't stop thinking about my future. It suddenly became fearsome.

But whenever the thought of growing old  with someone plays in my mental theater, that fear is subdued. It's kind of peculiar how I can rely on a security that's rendered by credulity, something that vaguely exists and yet, feels substantial.

I guess, this is magic. Someone's under a love spell. Guess who.

“Sometimes, fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change directions but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over, you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because the storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step...” –Kafka On The Shore, Haruki Murakami

-----

But you are a sandstorm inside an hourglass, trapped within the element of time, between the past and the future. You keep on changing direction, playing on the safe side of your world, too afraid to slip down and see what the other part has to offer. But you know you have to pass through that seemingly receding path to progress and to permit others to move. That is because, they depend on you. They are the sand in an isolated desert that you once passed. And like elements reacting to gravity, they descended to the core of your existence. Like a quicksand sucking everything within contact, you welcomed them without reluctance. Now, you’re all in this together, but they just follow your concurrence. And like you, they are ambushed in this side of time.

PJ: Masarap talaga kumain kapag may kaagaw
Lougie: Masarap din bang magmahal kapag may kaagaw?

Oh god. It doesn't feel good to read a blog entry which is written to describe how you broke someone's heart. It's one of the saddest things you'd ever read in your entire life. Especially, when you didn't want things to happen that way but, they simply did.  And the only thing left for you to decide was to choose between pain and more pain. Either way, it'd hurt. But you have to settle for the one a less like it.

On a lighter note, it feels great to know that that certain someone's feeling better now.

-----
Pressure ulcers are tissues that underwent necrosis caused by staying in one position for far too long. It reminds us how important moving on is.

(It's just on cue that Pao told me about this, isn't it? Say no to stagnancy.)

"I believe that it's imperative that we visit Neverland, as long as we don't forget to get back."
-Gege Severo, Walt Disney and the False Hope Factory

Two months ago, I think, I wrote about my concept of fairy tales, how they are crafted to be confined in books and movies, etc. But believe me, that entry has its main ingredient called bitterness.

"Sometimes, what you're after is not your fault, because happily ever after is what you're taught."
-****

------
Note: The only fairy tale I love is Peter Pan.

The taste of the world is bitter sweet.

I went out of my cave and shaved. Just thought rhymes are cute but I didn't actually went out to shave but rather to buy materials for my miniature sculpture with Jimah and Jome. But before everything else, we first stopped over Fruh's place to get Jome's Ipod and drag her along. Trivia, she wears less when she goes out. Ahuh.

A walking trip along Katipunan, how nostalgic! I used to do that every time my boyfriends play DOTA. I just realized that it's really been a while since I last went to that area. My daily routine lately was school-home, home- school, home-home. Well, It's not as bad as I thought it was.

I bought a green balloon in NBS. Suddenly, I craved for my childhood. It's always nice to be a child, being carefree and innocent, not being able to feel the weight of life. And I guess, the series of unfortunate events roused in me this sense of wanting to be sheltered and taken care of like a child

(Fruhlein took pictures of me and my balloon, a kind of photoshoot.)

Apparently, Martin knew that we were in the vicinity and "forced" me to go out on a dinner with them. I'm not so hungry though but I still went. They decided to eat in Wok Dis Way. While discussing their orders:

Martin: Share tayo sa sinigang?
Lougie: Hindi ako gutom. First meal at 4pm.
Martin: Pag nilibre ba kita, magugutom ka?
Lougie: Hindi pero malamang, kakain ako.
Martin: Game. For old times' sake.
*We are both fan of sinigang. So, whenever we go to that place to eat, we always order pork sinigang.

For old times' sake...

Martin and I used to spend most of our time together. Go to school together, eat together, hang-out together, watch gig together, go home together, live almost together. Oh, I missed that crazy guy most. Because even we're just a door away from each other, I don't get to see him as much as I used to.

On a brighter note, I'm glad that he has found his love. It feels weird though that he does some things he doesn't usually do, especially, when he is being cheesy and stuff. haha

Truly, 6-5-6. :)

I am helpless.
The case is hopeless.
What would I get if I let this series of events consume the whole me?
Alas, nada.